sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
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I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?