Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

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Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).


The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.


I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.


Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?


*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”


When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?


I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.


Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.


Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.