Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
no one likes gloating
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
⚠️ Important Reminder:
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Do not steal food from the science building!
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.