*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me, flirting😏
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.