Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.