Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?