still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
WHY?!
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples