Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
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I have a type: disappointing
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
This checks out
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
this chia pet tastes awful
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese