Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Real House Wines.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo