Still cracks me up
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
They’re not wrong