Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”