*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.