Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have