*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.