Still laughing at this stupid meme
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place