Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
As the Lord intended
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’