Still my favourite meme.
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
we’re dead?
respect
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”