Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
me as a parent
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first