Still my favourite meme.

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Her: Are you getting off early today?



I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.


Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message


This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all


Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX


doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another


How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.


6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first