@ehdannyboy
@RdrJay47 Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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@RdrJay47 
@Westoff123 I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
@ExcuseMyTweets The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
@DennisFarrell Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
@bridger_w This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
@EndhooS Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
@pleatedjeans doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
@TheDrunkStory me as a parent
@Anniewritess How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
@reallifemommy3 6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first