Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”