still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
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Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.