Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
You Might Also Like
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
never forget
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Who did it better?