Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?