Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
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Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
The devil.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.