Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?