Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night