Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
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I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired