@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

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@TheBoydP

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

@MavenofHonor

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

@reallifemommy3

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

@squirrel74wkgn

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

@UNDEADTRESOR

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

@ninjadinosaur1

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

@SteveSuckington

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@DairylandDon

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.