Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you


The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse


With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity


She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.


I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.


I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.


[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality



Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.


Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.


Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.