Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*


[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”


“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.


I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.


When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old


[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back


i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it


If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.


Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours


[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER: k-i-m