@geekysteven [dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
@palokin Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
You Might Also Like
@geekysteven 
@Reverend_Scott [kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
@Knittykins *Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
@ceejoyner I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
@PeachCoffin When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
@ItsAndyRyan [Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
@KingRainhead i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
@Germsinlaw If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
@pixelatedboat Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
@panmidwest [end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME: