“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.