Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
2022: I can fix it
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Snapes on a plane.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)