@IGotsSmarts

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

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@sploosk

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

@DBMaxP

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

@T_N_Crumpets

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

@clichedout

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

@Smethanie

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

@Breadery

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

@BradBroaddus

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

@kimtopher22

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

@StellaGMaddox

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.