Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

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my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid


Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?


[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*


doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else


Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.


Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.


Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.


Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.


According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.


If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.