Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
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Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
yeah not falling for this one
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.