[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.