*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.