[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
You Might Also Like
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.