Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.