“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}