*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Damn what did I do next
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.