[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
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Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.