*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything