stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is