stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Scream sneezers need love too.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.