Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.