Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
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We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist