@ACartoonCat

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

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@MelvinofYork

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

@daemonic3

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

@RuffaloShuffle

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

@Bunnydurden

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

@Marlebean

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

@curlycomedy

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

@Havish_AF

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

@BarryVonAwesome

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong