Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

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If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think


I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.


Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”


Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?


My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.


Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.


I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.


If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong