Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
rapatouille
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am