stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
🥶🥶🐶🐶
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence