Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it