Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.