Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
You Might Also Like
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.