Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

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Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”


Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”




[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone


[Ian pukes]


I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.


The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”



Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”


What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years


“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
u bought 100 eggs