@roastmalone_

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

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@Book_Krazy

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

@OlanDevine

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

@MatCro

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

@metickleu

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@Elizasoul80

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@SoVeryBritish

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

@egg_dog

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs