Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Judge: how do you plead?
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
u bought 100 eggs