Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
that wasn’t the question
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.