Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
You Might Also Like
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
i now pronounce you bounced.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
found my next D&D character name
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat