Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
You wish you had this many chins.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Customer is always right
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
This is painfully accurate 😅