Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Holy shit he’s back
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies