@ShootyDoody
@KizerBillhelm Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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@KizerBillhelm 
@thedad Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
@daemonic3 It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
@birbigs Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
@_davidlucas_ The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
@adamgreattweet My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
@KentWGraham I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
@xLiserx If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
@timdonakowski “These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
@fatherofcomedy They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.