@ShootyDoody

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

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@KizerBillhelm

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@daemonic3

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@birbigs

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

@_davidlucas_

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

@adamgreattweet

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

@KentWGraham

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

@xLiserx

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

@fatherofcomedy

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.